The first time that I was on an aircraft and heard “in the case of an emergency put your own oxygen mask on first” I was shocked. This sounded really selfish and counterintuitive to me. Instinctively I have always had the urge to help others, put the needs of my friends and family above my own. Self sacrifice, so I thought, was simply a fact of life – an act of love. Years on, and many life lessons learnt, I realise how misguided I was – confused about the difference between selfishness and self-love. My willingness to put my own needs last was in fact more of a symptom of my lack of love and respect for myself than it was a reflection of my love and respect for others.
Then along came motherhood = more love to give, higher demands on my time, less sleep and energy. As my youngest child now turns 20 I find myself in a different phase of my life. Yes there is still plenty to do as I juggle home, work commitments, accounts, garden, family, friends and animals. If I’m not careful I can still easily find myself falling into a state of overwhelm (something that I have had years of practise at). Only these days I have discovered the importance of my health and energy and how that impacts my loved ones.
Some of this learning came through self help books and webinars, but mostly it came from observation of my own life and those closest to me. As my self -love has grown and I have set aside time to work on my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing, I actually feel like I have more to give – not less. Love to me is not like a cake – only a limited amount to share so that the more people there are the less there is to go around. Love is more like warmth in a room. The more people there are, the warmer it is. This served me well as mother/step-mother in a blended family situation. Yes, it would have been easy to see that as my family grew that there was less time, love, energy. But in fact, if you allow yourself to see it from a different perspective, there are more opportunities for love, learning and sharing.
The other lesson here is about how showing your love by doing everything for your family not only leaves you exhausted but can also ultimately be disempowering for them. One of our most important roles as parents is enabling our children to be independent. Every time we do something for them we are teaching them that we are better, faster and smarter than them. So encourage them to get involved with what you are doing. Yes it will take you longer, but seeing tasks through their eyes and watching them learn and evolve will be time well spent.
Set aside “me time”. Diary it in or it simply won’t happen. Maybe you and a friend can take turns minding each others children once a week so you can do something that lights you up, keeps you connected to things you were passionate about before motherhood. Don’t be tempted to use this time to catch up on the housework. It is very easy to get lost in the “doing” of life and forget who we are. Expand your mind by reading, go for a swim, get out into nature. Choose something that is hard to do with the family in tow – perhaps something that you miss.
Remember you are a vital member of your family. Take care of yourself. Role model self care. Choose to make yourself a priority. Put your own oxygen mask on first and enjoy the benefits to you & your family.